Firefox is Dead to me

Once upon a time I abandoned Internet Explorer for this really slick, really sleek new browser. It opened up faster, browsed quicker, and had more customizable features than IE. It really was the bee's knees and everybody thought so, I tell you what! And it's name was... Netscape.

Oh how the mighty do fall! A few minutes later Netscape decided that I would doubtless prefer the option of adorning the margins of my browser with custom graphics, to such paltry considerations as speed and performance. About the same time Microsoft wised up (if only momentarily) and tuned it's browser for performance, sending me and a whole generation of hopeless internet addicts running gleefully back to embrace everyone's least favorite browser once more.

Time passed, seasons changed, and sure enough a new contender emerged brandishing a moniker resembling that of a poorly conceived Pokemon character: Mozilla Firefox. And oh how the fanboys did come a'runnin to laud it's many noble virtues. (Not to mention a handful of it's noble faults.)

Internet Explorer was jilted once more - the ignorant slut - as we all collectively shouted, "I choose you, Firefox!" But not for sake of standards compliancy or plug-ins galore. For what did we cross the aisle? Speed, baby. Speed. It popped, it zinged, it whizzed like greased lightning trying to bury a turd on a marble rocking chair... or something. Of course this is not to undervalue the momentary virtue of being significantly less-targeted by malware than IE was. Surely many horny, porn surfers preferred Firefox for it's prophylactic ability to keep their digital doohickeys trojan free.

Aye, Mozilla and her Firefox were the cat's meow, I tell you what. They were...

But through a recent moment of serendipity I found call to step back and take a good look at our favorite son, Firefox, as it exists today; putting aside the hype and foregone conclusions of days passed. And you know what I noticed? Firefox is the absolute slowest browser to open. That's right. The slowest! Slower than IE. You know what else? The Flash plug-in's performance under Firefox is laggy.

Well, these two deficits don't exactly mount a huge case against it, I suppose. But still it was enough to drive me back to the browser dealership to take a look at the new models. You know what I found? The hatchback Ford Fiesta is fucking sexy!

And so is Google Chrome. It's been a while since I took Chrome for a test drive and time has aged her well. Chrome opens faster than any other browser I've tried. The flash performance kicks ass. Why? Probably because it's not a plug-in. The latest Flash player is built directly in.

Chrome gives me more viewable area than any other browser, mainly by ditching the Title bar, going straight to tabs, and placing the information you'd normally get from a Status bar into a hovering, disappearing, reappearing, magical mouse-over event from the land beyond time.

At first, I admit, I was disgruntled by the lack of configurable options. Well, now I champion this lacking. Less truly is more. Just give me a good, fast horse to ride and keep your bloated, deluxe model with the in-mane HD display and whinnyable ring-tones. I don't want it!

I have five extensions in Chrome right now. One puts a Gmail icon and new message count on the toolbar; another puts the Google Voice icon on the toolbar; another blocks flash content by default unless I click it; another brings in my Google Bookmarks; and the last allows me to save web pages as a single file. That's everything I need and more, right there. And with these features installed and enabled Chrome blasts out of the starting gate and round the track before Firefox can even loose it's obese, cellulite-ridden thighs from the ever tightening fit of the old Poke-ball. Chrome is as CSS3 and HTML5 compliant as any browser should be. It's hip. It's happening. It's the place to be, baby. Get on board the choo-choo train.

Firefox has followed in the footsteps of Netscape, favoring tens of thousands of plug-ins, and user-customizable skins over speed and performance. May she rest in peace... the whore.

Long live Google Chrome! (Until something better comes along.)


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