Goodnight Fishes

Why, that didn't last long at all. Either the female population is getting less appealing or I'm getting wiser in my old age, because I've already closed up shop on the personals hunt. However, I couldn't leave the floor without airing some selfish commentary on my way out. (I never can.) I changed my profile title to "Nevermind." and learning from Kurt's mistake, aimed the shotgun at someone else.

My parting words follow:


I guess I'm just not cut out for the online personals scene. Honestly, the way things are going I have to wonder if I'm cut out for interaction with females at all. I don't seem to know how to talk to you. I know I'm being funny, witty, and intelligent. I try to start off on a resoundingly upbeat and positive note. Yet every attempt I make seems to end in some form of dejection.

I think my problem lies in the effort to represent myself fairly. I try to be honest and to the point with you, and you almost always recoil from it. Apparently you prefer a little more horse sh*t up front; a little more of the magic kingdom treatment when things first get started. And I suppose I must be coming off too real and uncomposed; too interested when I'm interested; too in love when I'm in love.

Therein lies your problem too: You want honesty in the long run: a truthful, straight-talking guy who won't walk around on you. But in the first instance you want someone to play a little coy; be a little aloof; make you wonder; get you excited. In other words you want a guy who'll lie to you on the first date, and be absolutely truthful by the six month anniversary. The problem with that is: most guys who will lie to you on the first date will lie to you on your wedding day and all the days thereafter. So you mostly end up picking ***holes, because ***holes are everything a girl wants, if only for the first two or three months.

No, I haven't had much luck on this site. I'd like to say that most of that is your fault. I read the ads on here and I can't believe the ignorance, simplicity, and repetition of it all. You have no idea how many of you say the exact same things in your profiles, nor how frequently what you say has absolutely no substance to it whatsoever. Otherwise at least half of you aren't really looking for anything out of these ads other than a fluff to the ego, or the sense that you're "trying" when you really aren't. And atop that a great lot of you are unabashed, outright liars, marketing yourselves in a light that couldn't be reproduced with a twenty kilo-watt bulb beaming down from a low cloud in God's heaven.

Seriously, the most physically attractive lot of you are obviously only on this site to stroke your own vanities. You give me three hollow lines of text that tell me nothing whatsoever as your description, and then pair that with eighteen pictures of cleavage, tattoos, exposed mid-riff, and bathing-beauty shots. Gee, what a great personality you've presented here. I really want to get inside your mind . By the way, is that mind of yours a 'C' cup or...? These girls are just collecting emails from horny morons as a testament to their physical dimensions. I'm sure it's a real boost to the ol' ego, ladies, but some of us are here for a reason, and you're just getting in the way.

And while I'm near the topic, what sort of double-standard is it that the women 'round here feel so free to post shots looking confirmedly down their push-up-bras, but meanwhile deride any man who dares post a picture displaying more than his hair and teeth? So wait: you can show me the tattoo that starts at the bottom of your right breast and disappears at the base of your inner thigh, but if I post a shirtless something, taken at a beach, I'm some kind of jack ass? You're in a sun dress with back-lit silhouette detailing every line of your nude body, but if I'm featured in a snap wearing bike shorts, that makes me a prima donna? Only the girls get to be pretty, then? Is that it?

Then we have the obese contingent - no small population (PUN!) - who simultaneously lay bear the desire to receive honesty and forthrightness from potential mates and suitors, only to then post the most deceptive and misleading self-photography they can lay hands on. Pictures from high school; from three years and thirty pounds ago; pictures taken in fun house mirrors; pictures shot with vertically distending lenses equipped to the cameras. And my god! how you women manage to find the exact poses, angles, and lighting that will mask acknowledgement of your own heaving third dimensions... The 'hard-lit, downward angle, neck up, sucked-in cheek shot' is just prolific on this site. You don't think that makes you a bit of a liar? a bit of a game-player just like you claim to hate with such passion? when you display a picture that says, "Hi, I'm 130lbs," and then show up on our date with a body that confesses, "eh, more like 180." Might I suggest you don't ask others to provide you with levels of honesty you can't be bothered to bring to the table yourselves?

In fact, there's something creepy about most of the photography on this site. It's become more and more conspicuous as I've browsed more and more profiles that most women know exactly their best side, angle, pose, and facial expression. If you look carefully you can see them making the same face in every shot; turning and lifting their heads by exactly the same slight degrees. To think that women, en masse, as a race and gender, have spent that much time preening before mirrors in the pursuit of their most favorable likenesses, and once found, then trained themselves to adopt that pose the instant someone brandishes a camera... What wretched fate is this? What self-inflicted egoism! What hitherto unfathomable vanity deigns turn truth to fiction and kill the spontaneity of a simple photo!

And the content of these profile descriptions! Sweet lord, was my entire generation's female population spoon fed lead paint chips throughout childhood. The retardation here is perverse.

So, you love your friends and family, eh? They "mean the world to you?" Is that right? See now: that's actually the kind of thing you don't have to say aloud. "I like my friends," is a statement that tells me you aren't too damned bright. See: because, everyone likes their friends. That's why we call them 'friends,' and not '***holes.' Now, if you told me you loved ***holes; that ***holes meant the world to you; well then I'd be impressed for you are truly an evolved being who has overcome the childish discriminations of humanity. As it is, though: telling me you love your friends and family is kind of like shouting, "I eat food!" and it sounds as dumb.

Besides which it is one of the many things you all say in near unison. I can only hope that you have no idea how many other women have written the exact same sentences in their profiles. I but pray that you are not intentionally being this redundant. Though even if you are unaware it speaks poorly of the whole gender that so many should categorize themselves so similarly; not to mention with such shallow, empty statements.

"I love my friends," "I like to have fun," "I like to go out, but I also like to cuddle on the couch with a movie," "I like pretty much any kind of music," "I enjoy travelling."

You see how all these statements are actually non-statements. They're what we call filler. They express and reveal nothing about you as an individual. Most of them amount to saying, "I enjoy things that are enjoyable." So when you use these phrases, you are wasting everyone's time displaying a mock aloofness that you're not even conscious of -- and no one wants to date the semi-conscious. Except, of course, the semi-conscious.

And what's with this trend of putting up a personals ad wherein you expressly tell me that you are too busy to actually have a relationship with me? Every third person on here is going to school while working full time and volunteering three nights a week somewhere, and they expect someone to voluntarily attach themselves to this scheduling quagmire as some kind of perfunctory Boy-Friday. Listen, I understand that you want it all, ladies, but if you can't make time for finding it, then you don't get to have it, okay -- case closed. Move on. Don't waste our time. What you're telling me when you put up ads describing your own lack of availability is that:

a.) You expect me to do some kind of magnificent, wooing, dance of the gods that will impress you enough to make a hole in your otherwise impenetrable schedule, just to try me out. And:
b.) If after that herculean effort to sequester a first date, we should actually hit it off, you'll only be immediately available to me in tiny increments, leaving me to await patiently the whims of your date book.

Gee, I can't wait to dive head first into that relationship. Let me make all the effort for both of us, so that you can have the convenience of occasionally pulling me down off the curio cabinet to play house for a spell. Awesome!

Intelligence is a big factor for me when I'm looking through these profiles and, to date, the female population of this site has represented itself rather poorly on that field. From the quality and content of your profiles I can only glean that you are at least not so intelligent as to bother displaying that intelligence when trying to attract a mate. That elucidates your priorities pretty vividly for me. Clearly the majority of you are not looking for smart men. If you were then you would unruffle and display some of your own IQ-feathers as lure, and I say here, once and for all, you have not done that.

Well, I sort of started out maudlin and turned quickly caustic, didn't I? I've been watching a lot of Dennis Miller comedy specials, so... Anyway, I say all the above to say this: I think we're done. You're just not good enough for me and this has already been a great waste of time.

Goodnight fishes.



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